


Dizzy

by GoonMiracles



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-18
Updated: 2019-05-18
Packaged: 2020-03-07 09:40:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18870634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoonMiracles/pseuds/GoonMiracles
Summary: Neil is used to being told that what he has with Andrew means nothing. However on one particular night it hurts more than it should.





	Dizzy

**Author's Note:**

> Heya Fellas! Here’s a quick writing I made, it’s the only thing I’ve been able to write in awhile! So sorry if it’s rushed, it’s literally just a write n’ go!  
> Warnings-  
> Panic attacks, arguing and fainting-
> 
> (Idk if fainting would be considered a warning but there it is anyways)

Tan hands gripped the cup so tight that his knuckles turned white, Neil couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried, keep his emotions at bay for once. He managed to bite his tongue, to prevent saying anything he might regret, and Bee sat there patiently. It was obvious to her that something was bothering Neil, and when she had asked, he had fallen quiet, this only proved her point.

He set the cup down on the coffee table between them, “Sorry…” Neil mumbles, “I just...I’m not in the mood for this right now…” But it was hard to tell if Neil was referring to what was bothering him, versus the hot cocoa.

Bee seemed to go with the ladder, and gave him a warm smile before getting ready to push herself up from her seat, “Well, what would you like? I have tea I could make, that might help you calm down a bit.” she offered.

Neil lifted his head to meet her gaze, “What makes you think I’m not calm?” he asks, defensively.

She all but chuckles,setting herself back down into the chair, “I can always tell...when people are tense, when something's bothering them…” she leaned forward, “It’s kind of my job…” she whispered, followed by a fit of giggles. They were elegant, and soft, and she placed a hand over her mouth as if she had some terrible secret. She cleared her throat and looked at Neil before continuing, “Neil, I am here to talk, this is why you’re here… You want to talk about something that’s bugging you...am I right?”

Neil honest to whatever celestial being watched over them,  _ did  _ want to talk about this. He looked down, away from Bee, her gaze still however, burdened him. He shifted in his chair uncomfortably, “No.” he says.

Bee blinks and rests against the back of her chair, “How are classes…?”

 

______

When Neil returned to the dorm room, he was alone, there was no sign of Kevin, or Andrew, and no sign of Nicky. He kicked his shoes off by the door and wandered over to the kitchen, grabbing the kettle, in all honesty, tea didn’t sound like such a bad idea.

When he touched the handle of the kettle however, he felt dizzy, and he froze where he stood. It was only then when he had noticed he wasn’t breathing properly, he hadn’t been breathing properly since he had first woken up. Come to think of it, he hadn’t been breathing right since his last conversation with Andrew.

_ There is no this. _

He’s heard it a number of times to know when to expect it, but recently, the more Andrew says it, the more it hurts Neil, more than he ever thought something could. 

He took a moment to try some breathing exercises. But even after he’d done that, he still felt dizzy so he set the kettle aside, deciding he would make tea at a later time when he was feeling well enough to stand about.

The door opened then, and Andrew made his presence known as he entered. Making it a point to drop his bag with a loud ‘thud!’ and kicking off his shoes. He glanced at Neil, but Neil didn’t so much as spare him a glance, he couldn’t, not since their last conversation. Seeing Andrew, made Neil want to let him  _ have it _ . Neil was frustrated, Andrew was frustrated.

There was silence as Andrew pushed past the hall and into the bathroom, kicking the door behind him with his heel. Neil could finally take a breath as soon as the door shut and he closed his eyes, trying again to regain his breath. But to no avail, thoughts of last night's previous conversation had flooded his head, bouncing off the walls of his skull.

_ “...and then Kevin had argued that it wouldn’t have been a good shot regardless if I’d passed it.” Neil was rambling, more like ranting about the last practice. _

_ Andrew just sat, book in his hands, back pressed against Neils side, and Neil’s chin on his head. The blonde poked Neil in the ribs in an attempt to tell him to quiet down, and went back to reading. Neil did fall silent for a bit, but only a bit longer before opening his mouth again- Andrew beat him to the punch; _

_ “If you say one more thing about Exy Josten, I will kill you.” _

_ Neil chuckles, “I’m starting to believe you less and less everytime you say that.” _

_ Andrew hummed and turned the page of his book, “Maybe I won’t kill you.” he admits, lowly, but he quickly follows up with, “Maybe I’d hurt you.” _

_ Neil pushes off Andrew a bit to look at him better, with that stupid grin he says, “you couldn’t do that even if you really wanted to.”  _

_ “Yes I could. I can do whatever I want.” _

_ “No you wouldn’t, because this means too much to you.” _

Maybe, just maybe, if Neil hadn’t said that, then he wouldn’t be feeling as dizzy as he is right now, maybe they’d be talking, maybe he’d have a cup of tea in his hands. Maybe today wouldn’t feel like a bust.

_ Andrew looked at him, then shut his book after blindly sliding his page marker in place. He stared blankly at Neil for just a few moments before saying, “How many times do I have to tell you this?” He turns so that he and Neil don’t touch anymore, and he places the book between him and Neil. A wall. “There is no this.” _

_ Neil would be used to this response, but tonight, it felt wrong. It burned. “Again, I start to believe you less and less when you say things like that.” _

_ “Who asked you?” Andrew counters, tapping the cover page of his book. _

_ They stayed silent for a long while, staring at each other with wondering eyes, both wondering different things. _

_ “Am I that bad?” Neil had finally broke the silence, and the question itself had made Andrew scowl, “Don’t start fishing for compliments Josten, I thought you were more respectable than that.” _

_ Now it was Neil’s turn to scowl, “Why do you-” he swallows, “Can you stop saying that ‘This’ doesn't matter? That we don’t matter?”  _

_ “We.” Andre repeats, extending the word for more effect, “are not a we.” _

The bathroom door opened and Andrew emerged, looking freshly washed, and in a pair of newer clothes. He looked at Neil, but Neil quickly averted his gaze from him. He didn’t want to avoid him, he couldn’t, that would be too hard on him.

He needed Andrew.

_ Andrew didn’t believe in them. _

Neil pushes away from the kitchen counter and into the living space, where he flopped down on the couch, but he felt too tense, so he stood up, but he still felt uncomfortable. He wished he’d talked to Bee about this. 

Andrew grumbled something and when Neil looked up at him, Andrew repeated, “Are you still pouting?” His bored tone, only made Neil frustrated. When Neil didn’t respond, Andrew went on, “Junkie. Quit it, be mature about this won’t you?” He folded his arms across his chest, clearly annoyed with Neil’s silence.

“Hey.” 

Neil stays quiet.

“Hey, look at me.” Andrew’s tone picks up, and Neil looks at him, “Don’t look at me like I just shot your cat- like I’m some equation that you’ve dedicated your life to, just to realize you got the wrong answer. I told you once, I’m not your answer, and you aren’t mine.”

Neil was quick to follow his words, “Then what am I Andrew?” he hated how his voice wobbled.

“Am I some sort of, stress relief?” he looks around, “something that you just- want- something you can have because you don’t want to believe I’m something you need?”

“I don’t need you, I don’t want you- you’re acting like I’ve been using you.” Andrew sounded disgusted.

“No!” Neil facepalmed, “you’re twisting my words!” he rubbed at his temple, his breathing felt of again, and he was dizzy, again.

“That’s awful, you’re twisting my words again.” he mumbles, holding his head, “But- sure, let’s say that I  _ did  _ say that, sure. What am I to you?” He fell quiet, they both fell quiet.

Andrew watched Neil for a few, and Neil watched Andrew.

“You are nothing.”

It shocked Neil, and for the slightest of moments, Neil was sure that Andrew’s own words shocked himself. Neil’s mouth fell open, but all he could manage was a whisper; “After all I’ve done for you? After what I’ve proved?” Andrew started to approach Neil, “Neil-”

“Don’t-!” Neil shrieked, throwing his hands up, “After what I’ve been through, for you- for this team- don’t you dare say some bullshit thing like ‘I didn’t ask you to play martyr’ Because I didn’t do it for that- I did it because I car- I..I..h…” He started trailing off, and only then had he realized his breathing had been uneven, and out of control, and he was passing out.

He hit the ground before he could count to two.

 

______

Andrew saw that Neil was going to pass out, he knew that it was his fault. His fault, he made Neil pass out- He gave Neil an anxiety attack, he made Neil angry.

He made Neil feel worthless.

Like  _ nothing _ .

He ran to Neil’s body as soon as it hit the floor and gathered his body in his arms in a panic. Andrew didn’t believe in regret, but that didn’t stop him from wishing he could go back in time and change what he’d told Neil. He held Neil close to him, eyes wide, but lips pressed into a firm line. He’d dealt with people who’d passed out before, but this was Neil, this was something he caused, and he could not get over that.

Being as careful as possible to limit contact, he managed to half carry, half drag Neil to his bunk and lie him down. He’d watched Neil breathe for a few minutes before sudden grief overtook him, his facial expression did not chang, but inside his head, and chest were bursts of cold, and sharp knives, slicing at him, voices hissing; ‘You did this’. It hurt him, he hurt Neil, he deserved this.

______

When Neil woke up, Neil’s hand was numb.

He looked to the side, and Andrew was sure enough at his side, sitting in a chair, holding his hand. He looked up at Andrew’s face, his eyes were closed, and his head was hung, it was very possible he was asleep even with the strange angle. Neil could usually tell by Andrew’s breathing if he were asleep or not- speaking of breathing-

Neil could suddenly breathe again, without a stutter. So he took a deep breath in, and let it out- 

“You aren’t nothing.” Andrew said suddenly.

Neil looked at him, and Andrew’s eyes opened, they stared at each other longingly for a few moments, being in each others space.

Neil looks at him, then raises their joined hand to his lips, his breath tickling Andrew’s skin as he asked, “Yes or No?” 

Andrew hummed, “Yes.” he whispers, and Neil presses his lips to the back of Andrew’s hand.

This was their apology, their apologies. 

Andrew leaned forward, so he was kneeling in front of Neil, “We aren’t nothing… Yes or No?” he asked now, and Neil gave him a look, before smiling goofily and leaning in as a response. 

Their lips met, it was soft, warm and apologetic. And it was  _ something _ .


End file.
